I have been thinking over and over and over in my head for the last 26 or so hours the words that were said to me yesterday, and how I am going to digest those words. And now, the next day (and now the NEXT, because it's now even later), I am still processing the conversation, and how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of loss that it has bestowed upon me. I had a meeting yesterday morning (Tuesday) with my supervisor to discuss my interview, and in the end, I did not get the director job. I was told that I'm "not the right fit for West Campus", when it's a place I have called my second home for almost a decade. I was told that my "bucket was empty", when talking about the faculty members, and their faith and trust in me, because I've been on maternity leave for 4 months. I was told that I was being saved from the panel interview because the teachers and parents would reject me against the other candidates. This is the part I'm most upset about, not getting a panel interview. I made it to the panel in at least two other director interviews, but I couldn't make a panel interview at my own campus? So many other depressing things were said, I don't care to document all of it. I was even asked, "Do you even really WANT to be the director at West Campus"? Really? I thought that I had made that part obvious by continuing all the training, sticking it out through thick and thin, verbally and physically expressing my devotion to the place (and truly meaning every minute of it), remaining positive when all else fell bleak, and sparking that passion amongst others, by living and breathing life at West Campus.
I walked away shocked, and I still sit here shocked.
I am devastated. I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am not a director, and I am no longer an assistant director. I no longer have a money earning career, as I have for the past 9 years. I no longer have a place to call my second home every day, with people whom I "grew up" with, and whom were helping to raise my children, and whom I call my family.The challenge that I accepted years ago, to succeed within the company and move up to an administrative level has certainly given me many opportunities and lessons along the way. But I now feel like that challenge has commenced, it has lapsed as I have interviewed many times for a director position and continually walk away empty handed. If West Campus wasn't the "right fit" for me, after I have been there for nearly a decade, then I do not know where the "right fit" is. I will dearly miss going to work at West Campus every day, and I will miss even more the people who make West Campus what it is.
There is one thing to be happy about though. Well, maybe two. That one thing is you girls. That now I get to be a stay-at-home mom for a while. The second thing is that losing this job will be the clear and open door for us to move back to California as soon as your daddy's contract is up this summer. Finally a break in Seattle life that will give us an opportunity to go home.
What I do have are two beautiful daughters, with whom I am now able to stay home with everyday. I will be able to help you grow and learn to become the important little people that you are. I know that I am so fortunate to have this opportunity presented to me, and with time I will adjust to this new path that life has carved out for me. For US, this new path that life has carved for US. We will wake up every morning and relish in spending the day together, experiencing life through the eyes of a toddler (and an infant). We will laugh endlessly, and we will teach each other about the most important details in life. We will encounter adventures in the uncharted waters that each day will bring, and I will do my very best to make those adventures incredible.
On our walk home, a red tailed hawk swooped down from the trees and circled around right in front of us. Harper, you said "airplane!!"" "bird?"" "airplane!!"" "bird!!!" Your confusion during the event made me laugh, and at the same time cry over my pride for your intelligence. It was such a surprise to see it right in front of us, and it was of course gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen a hawk fly that close to me before. Yet another sign from Mother Nature that everything is gonna be alright.
Zoie, you're AWAKE! Gotta go get some cuddles.
Your mama loves you girls.