So. Tired.

It's been more than a week - I'm sorry. I'm just. so. tired.
Zoie has gone back to being awake between 1:30/2ish and about 5/5:30 am.  It's a horribly long stretch in the middle of the night. By the time I finally get her down again I'm wide awake, starving, and have horribly chapped lips from "shushing" for so long. For crying out loud baby (literally).

Anyway. I'm just. so. tired.  But I finally figured out the slideshow! So that's your new stuff.  The new slideshow (there is also some recent artwork I did for a friend mixed in there).

Harper you are talking up a storm and we are having more conversations about details, for example; last night we talked extendedly about the fact that Zoie has nipples (you noticed while we were doing a diaper change), and then upon putting your hand on Zoie's chest said: "Pretty hot?"  (Referring to her skin temperature).  Oh so entertaining.  I also was tickled the other day in the middle of a tantrum when I told you "Oh Harper, hush hush", and you looked at me and screamed "NO HUSH HUSH!!!!".  I about died laughing inside, I didn't want you to think I wasn't validating your feelings. Your tantrums are definitely getting more dramatic and louder....nearing the Terrible Twos we are just a few weeks away I'm afraid.

Zoie I can see your little tooth! You are eating pears, bananas, apples, baby cereal, and avocados (still don't like the sweet potatoes).  And you are sleeping horribly. Again. Laughing at your sister all the time and you are sitting up really really well.  You are starting to like the stroller more (I've been walking twice a day with you girls) and we're able to make it a little longer each day.  Daddy even took you for a run yesterday and you fell asleep in the stroller for the first time. Hooray! Don't get any ideas though, I'm not running with you in the stroller in the middle of the night in order to get you to sleep. 

There are so many other things to say I'm sure....but they are all lost in the fog of my sleep deprived memory.  Just wanted to do a quick update & will try to post more later in the week. 
Enjoy the slideshow!

Your mama loves you girls :)

A Very Merry Half Birthday to Z!

We are having a rough nap today, so it's going to have to be a quick one! Hopefully I'll get a slide show of photos going at the top of the blog so you can see the new ones easier.
Five Things About You this week:
--Zoie you turned 6 months! Hooray! I can't believe a half of a year has gone by and you're already halfway to your first birthday.  What a whirlwind it has been, but you have turned out to be a sweet snuggly little girl.
--You are sitting up all by yourself without the boppy.  This has inspired Harper to sit and play with you much more often, and she thinks it's pretty funny that you reach for and grab your own toys now.
--You have cut your first tooth! We can't quite see it yet, but we can feel it, sharp as a little razor in your bottom left front.
--You started eating sweet potatoes this week, which you have completely hated thus far. Gagging and wincing with each bite.  You even tasted the 1/4 teaspoon that I mixed into your rice cereal. Little stinker...you're so particular! They are of course fresh sweet potatoes, baked and pureed right in my own kitchen....but you still don't like 'em....it's gonna take quite a few rounds of trying new foods I'm sure.
--You are almost sleeping better....I would say 6 nights out of 7 you get up every four hours to nurse and go back to sleep pretty easily. The 7th night your midnight demon comes out and we spend about 5 hours crying, shushing, rocking to get you to sleep, but to no avail.  You always fall asleep at 6am soundly and want to sleep until 9 or 10.  Again.....little stinker!

Harper you LOVE your new stroller and are so excited to have Zoie ride in it with you. You like to peek around the corner of your seat to see her back there.
-- You said "you're welcome" to me for the first time the other day after I said "thank you" for something. It was so cute! We are really working on getting you to use your manners.
-- You are obsessed with painting and art making right now. You want to be sitting at the desk most of the day coloring, using colored pencils, or painting. Daddy brought home a canvas board with a big painted number 3 on it that you and him have been painting together. It is a Jasper Johns tribute he says.....pretty cool looking right now I must say. We'll have to post pictures when you two are finished with it.
-- We went to story time at the library yesterday and you are starting to sing the songs and fingerplays with the librarian this week (we've gone about 5-6 times now). It is great to see you learn new songs and look around to see the other kids trying out the movements as well. You love to get your hand stamped at the end of the session and you are ready to run up to the front before she's done singing the good-bye song. Between the stamp on your hand and the coloring of your own hands with markers each time you're at the desk, I don't have any doubt that you'll be bugging us for permanent body art as soon as you're old enough. Just like I did to my parents. I'm in for it......
-- You discovered that you love raw zucchini this week! It's been great to give you something fresh and healthy, easy to cut up and you love to dip it in ranch. Well, you love to dip pretty much everything....but this is a great new addition to your "favorites".  You also have started drinking out of a "big girl" cup (without a sippy lid). We found the perfect little colored plastic cups at Ikea last weekend. I think they were $1.99 for a set of 6 cups. All perfectly sized for you! You are great about slowly taking sips and we have had very minimal spills thus far. You have picked up every other skill we've started with you pretty quickly, but this was a really easy one for you. Potty training however has been a different story....we're hoping that you'll be more interested SOON because your 2nd birthday is right around the corner. Whoa! Just a few more weeks and our baby girl is going to be 2!!!! How did that happen? We're looking forward to a celebration!

Smile girls, your mama loves you. 

Blue Crayola appetizer followed with an entree of peanut butter

I love it when we get messy - and I'm pretty sure you do too Harper.  The other day you colored your face while I sat next to you approving your behavior.  I told you, "if you want to color your face that's fine, but it means we will have a lot of scrubbing to do later".  You happily continued with your blue beard while I sat there and thought about the wonderful picture opportunity it would be.  What kind of crazy mom am I? Letting my child color all over her face so I can take a cute picture later? Well that part yes, but also, why not? We always need to ask that of a child. Why not let you experiment with how it felt, what it looked like, and even what it tasted like. As a result we got a lot of giggles out of the project and as you can see I got some great photos to save for your high school yearbook:

I have to be brief today because naps are not going very smoothly. Zoie you are teething, and although you haven't cut any actual teeth yet, you are chomping on everything like a little rabbit.  Five months has been great thus far and in just a few days you're going to be 6 months old. A whole half year has gone by. WHEW! Let's see.....if I had to sum it up into a list this week, I suppose I would save a bit of time.

Harper. Five Things About YOU:
--You rocked out at the Kirkland Library's story time for "ones" last week - you jumped and flapped your arms for 30 minutes and got all the kids around you going. It was hilarious. You have started to sing the songs with the rest of the group as well....so cute. You love the song "Open Shut Them".
--You discovered sidewalk chalk at the park the other day. Another mom was nice and shared with you, and you walked around and drew a little green chalky scribble on every hard surface you could find. Marking your toddler graffiti all over the benches, sidewalk, slides, rocks, you name it!
--You are fascinated with sticks and pick them up wherever you find them. You always make sure that there are sticks for mommy and daddy as well. You often offer them to other kids at the park, who look at you like, "hey, okay, maybe this is a good thing to play with....your mommy lets you play with this"?
--You have been very interested in cooking and always want to be involved with what I'm doing in the kitchen. You love to dump the measuring cups and stir, stir, stir.  You even baked cookies with daddy and sat on the counter almost the entire time.
--You have been such a fabulous sister with Zoie. When you're jumping on the bed you always demand to me "Soie jump"....because you want me to pretend to jump her on the bed with you.  I told you I was going to put Zoie on the floor with you to play and you said to me, "Boppy"....and you went and retrieved it and set it on the floor near your toys. (We place Zoie in the Boppy while she's sitting so it protects her if she falls over...it's a C shaped pillow). You always bring toys to her. And just recently when she's crying you've started telling her "Soie Soie....no trying (crying).....Soie pop Soie pop......no trying!" It's so funny to hear you demand her to stop, or demand her to play with a particular toy, and then take another out of her hands saying "LET TOE!!!" (LET GO!!) Ahhhhhh, sisters.

Zoie. Five Things About YOU:
-- You are ALMOST sitting up on your own. SO EXCITING! That makes a huge difference in your play time, and you are much happier sitting playing with Harper than laying on your back.  You are reaching for toys and putting everything you grab directly in your mouth. I have to be careful because Harper keeps trying to feed you goldfish crackers, which I don't doubt you will stick in your mouth.
--You have discovered the cat. Every time you see one of them you track them silently with your eyes and stop with curiosity when one of them comes near you. I remember this with Harper too, fascinated by the cats. In fact, I think Harper crawled for the first time in order to reach Satchmo.
-- You are becoming quite the little flirt, giving anyone who gives you eye contact a huge toothless grin. You're definitely a cute little conversation starter, with kids and adults alike. We've been calling you "Zoie Pop", it just seems to stick...and when we sing "Zoie Pop, Zoie Pop (to the tune of Lollipop) you grin at us and laugh. It's so funny!
--You are FINALLY starting to sleep a little better at night. You have about 5 good nights in a row, and then 1 or 2 horrible ones. BUT, aside from those 2 nights you are sleeping pretty soundly - getting up at 1:00 and 5:00 to nurse and sleeping until about 8 am.  Perfect as far as I'm concerned, and way, way, better than where we were just 4 weeks ago.  Those two horrible nights are still pretty horrible though, so we just need to work that last bit of midnight madness out of your system and get on a 7 day schedule. I can't complain though, like I said, better now than one month ago!
-- You are loving rice cereal and eat it every day at lunch with Harper. We can't wait to start some sweet potatoes and pears, I just have to remember to pick some up at the grocery store the next time we're there. Time to get down the mini food processor and the stacks of ice cube trays. Homemade baby food here we come, AGAIN!!

Your mama loves you two :)

Back to the blog.....

I'm back! I had to take a hiatus while my brand new computer was being "fixed", which seemed like an unbearably LONG time. 
Let's see....it's still raining here in Seattle so that's not really new news. The swans left Juanita Bay and flew to their summer nesting grounds (where, I don't know)...so our walks to the bay have been a little less uneventful. To be honest, I haven't really taken many walks because Zoie is getting too heavy to walk with in the pack, while pushing Harper in the stroller.  We really need a double stroller and then we will continue our walks on a more frequent basis.  Someday soon hopefully, and it'll be just in time for the weather to get warmer.

Harper your language has really taken off these past few weeks! You are using sentences more frequently, and you've increased your adjectives that you use to describe things.  You noticed that your skin is "hot" the other day when I was dressing you - after putting your hands on your bare belly you looked at me with question in your eyebrows and said, "hot?" "belly hot?".  I told you that you didn't need your pacifier one day and I took it and put it in my pocket.  You said "no mama!", "I neet it.....for ma mouf".  Not only do you want it, but you need it for your mouth! So astute you are. We have been playing on the floor with the farm house a lot, and you have taken to feeding all of the animals & your bears and dolls with a small spoon that you "cook" with (I've given you recycled yogurt, juice, and butter containers).  You always offer Zoie a taste too, which is so cute.  You also put your shoes on for the first time all by yourself the other day! I was so excited for you, and we clapped and cheered and did a little dance.  You were so proud of yourself, I just love seeing the smile on your face when you know you've accomplished something big. 

Zoie.... you're five months already! I remember 5 months being a great month with Harper, so much changes and grows during this particular month for some reason.  You've started moving your arms and hands with aim and purpose, always reaching and grasping for things to feel and then put in your mouth.  You are SUCH A HAPPY BABY (most days) and you laugh at your sister and me all day long.  You love the "excer-saucer" that you can stand/sit in and cruise around a circle of toys on your own.  You squeal and talk and coo, it is truly hilarious to watch your eyes "as big as saucers" every time something makes noise or moves. You are SO close to rolling over from your back to your tummy, but not quite as of today. I'll bet that by the end of the month you'll be rolling all over the place.  You are also almost able to sit up on your own, not quite, but also very, very close. We've started feeding you rice cereal every day which you are starting to like quite a bit.  Harper also likes your feeding time, as she comes over and sneaks bites of your baby gruel, which she approves and shakes her head "yeah" after each bite. Crazy girl.  Yesterday she wanted to jump on the bed and then shouted at me "Soie, Soie!" and insisted that I put you up on the bed to "jump" with her.  (I hold you under your arms and pretend to jump you on the bed).....Harper then runs out to the living room, demands music, and starts to dance, and then repeats "Soie, Soie!" because she wants you to dance with her.  I do the same thing, pretend to dance you around the living room, both of you cracking up and Harper jumping and then landing on the floor on her butt. You have the widest toothless grin on your face, reaching out to hold Harper's hand and her grabbing yours in return.  It gave me the best vision of about 6-7 months from now, when you will be able to walk and dance around the living room with her.  Sisters giggling and playing together. I can't wait to see it! But I know I need to enjoy my baby snuggles with you while you are still so soft and tiny. I love kissing your little cheeks and neck just to get you to giggle.  Such a sweet sound those baby laughs so hearty and uninhibited. 

Alright, nap time is just about over...so I'm signing off so I can enjoy my last few minutes of silence with a good book. 

Your mama loves you two. 

It's a new week, and we started off with a bunch of new words and phrases. On Monday morning you said "Ahhh blet you! Ahhh blet you!" when I sneezed twice.  It took me a second, but I quickly realized that you said "Bless you! Bless you!" Harper, it's definitely the first time that you've said that. You usually just say "Achoo! Achoo!".  You came out of your bedroom and immediately went to your wooden name puzzle on the coffee table.  The pieces were all over the table, and you quickly grabbed the first one "p", told me it was a "p", and put it in the right spot.  You continued on telling me all the letters, and fumbling them into their correct places until "Harper" was spelled out.  SO PROUD! You have been playing with this puzzle for about 8 months, and always need help fitting the pieces into the holes until that moment. You have known the names of the letters for quite a long time though, but I am still very excited for you anyway, puzzles are quite the accomplishment.

I decided this week that we were going to try some "scheduled" events a few days to try something new. We went to the indoor playground at North Kirkland Community Center on Tuesday.  It was really just a large room with a bunch of push cars, balls, and plastic kitchens to play with. One little tiny backyard plastic slide, but you both enjoyed it anyway. Harper you took a while to get comfortable in the room with the other kids, but you warmed up and played with pretty much everything. Zoie was in the wrap on my chest and watched all the other kids with wide eyes. All the moms/nannies were lined up in chairs against the far wall either talking or playing on their smart phones.  There was one other mom in the middle of the room playing with her kid, and then there were about 4 other grandmas there, and they were all out playing with their grand kids. There was one dad there who sat down periodically, but interacted with the two little girls he was with.   It was interesting to see the other moms/nannies just relaxing/chatting/texting and letting their kids cry for them. I didn't realize that this phenomenon that I'd been hearing about (the "Eastside" mommy/nanny mentality), actually happened. Oh well. All the children were fine in the end, and people can play with, or not play with their children as they please, as long as their kids aren't hurt, and they aren't hurting my kid.

Today was also new. We went to the Kirkland library for "Ones Story Time", which was really fun and full of other kids.  While we were waiting outside in the cold sunshine we met another little girl named Eden and her mommy Veronica. Eden was 18 months and sparked your smile and sense of camaraderie.  After a few minutes of the moms chatting, you two were romping across the lawn and chasing each other around the statue.  Story time included a lot of singing and a few stories, and it was a nice little change from our usual morning madness. I had planned for Zoie to sleep in the pack during this time, but it didn't work out, and my hands were full with her most of the time.  I hope that next week we can try and attend again, and I'll have to strategize a little better about what to do with Zoie so that I can spend that 30 minutes more devoted to Harper.  It's SO difficult trying to figure out how to enjoy quality time with each of you one-on-one without the other one needing my attention too! I still haven't figured this out, four months into it, but I know that eventually I will, and it will just get easier at the same time.

Alright, both of you are napping really well today. So I'm going to sign off and find something productive to do before my "me" time is over. It's daddy's birthday this weekend, so I have some crafty prep work to do.......

Your mama loves you girls!
 

                                           (Zoie - 4 months)

The End of an Era.

I have been thinking over and over and over in my head for the last 26 or so hours the words that were said to me yesterday, and how I am going to digest those words. And now, the next day (and now the NEXT, because it's now even later), I am still processing the conversation, and how to deal with the overwhelming feeling of loss that it has bestowed upon me.  I had a meeting yesterday morning (Tuesday) with my supervisor to discuss my interview, and in the end, I did not get the director job. I was told that I'm "not the right fit for West Campus", when it's a place I have called my second home for almost a decade.  I was told that my "bucket was empty", when talking about the faculty members, and their faith and trust in me, because I've been on maternity leave for 4 months. I was told that I was being saved from the panel interview because the teachers and parents would reject me against the other candidates. This is the part I'm most upset about, not getting a panel interview.  I made it to the panel in at least two other director interviews, but I couldn't make a panel interview at my own campus? So many other depressing things were said, I don't care to document all of it. I was even asked, "Do you even really WANT to be the director at West Campus"? Really? I thought that I had made that part obvious by continuing all the training, sticking it out through thick and thin, verbally and physically expressing my devotion to the place (and truly meaning every minute of it), remaining positive when all else fell bleak, and sparking that passion amongst others, by living and breathing life at West Campus.

I walked away shocked, and I still sit here shocked.

I am devastated. I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am not a director, and I am no longer an assistant director. I no longer have a money earning career, as I have for the past 9 years. I no longer have a place to call my second home every day, with people whom I "grew up" with, and whom were helping to raise my children, and whom I call my family.The challenge that I accepted years ago, to succeed within the company and move up to an administrative level has certainly given me many opportunities and lessons along the way. But I now feel like that challenge has commenced, it has lapsed as I have interviewed many times for a director position and continually walk away empty handed. If West Campus wasn't the "right fit" for me, after I have been there for nearly a decade, then I do not know where the "right fit" is.  I will dearly miss going to work at West Campus every day, and I will miss even more the people who make West Campus what it is.

There is one thing to be happy about though. Well, maybe two. That one thing is you girls. That now I get to be a stay-at-home mom for a while. The second thing is that losing this job will be the clear and open door for us to move back to California as soon as your daddy's contract is up this summer. Finally a break in Seattle life that will give us an opportunity to go home.

What I do have are two beautiful daughters, with whom I am now able to stay home with everyday. I will be able to help you grow and learn to become the important little people that you are. I know that I am so fortunate to have this opportunity presented to me, and with time I will adjust to this new path that life has carved out for me. For US, this new path that life has carved for US. We will wake up every morning and relish in spending the day together, experiencing life through the eyes of a toddler (and an infant). We will laugh endlessly, and we will teach each other about the most important details in life. We will encounter adventures in the uncharted waters that each day will bring, and I will do my very best to make those adventures incredible. 

We walked this morning (Thursday) to see the ducks, and when we arrived on the bridge we were instead met with three spectacular swans swimming in the bay. It was a sign that mother nature sent to remind me of the beauty that I get to experience each day now that I can be truly devoted to you girls. The three of us, floating along, waiting for the next big thing to come out of the water. (Hopefully that wasn't a pun related to pooping in the bathtub).  Zoie was asleep and cozy warm against my chest, so I put away the camera and held your cold little fingers in my hand Harper. The three of us stood there together and watched the swans swim out to broader waters, and then in again to the bay.  There were all sorts of birds singing and ducks calling behind us in the marsh.  We talked about where ducks go to sleep in the grass, and how they tuck their heads into their feathers. A nice old couple came up on the walkway to enjoy the view with us, and they had a cute little dog named "Marley". Harper, you generally don't like dogs very much (except Oscar), but you were curious about Marley's leash and how it was attached to him.  They were nice people and were so happy to be out enjoying the cold sunshine, just as we were ourselves. 

On our walk home, a red tailed hawk swooped down from the trees and circled around right in front of us.  Harper, you said "airplane!!"" "bird?"" "airplane!!"" "bird!!!" Your confusion during the event made me laugh, and at the same time cry over my pride for your intelligence.  It was such a surprise to see it right in front of us, and it was of course gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen a hawk fly that close to me before. Yet another sign from Mother Nature that everything is gonna be alright.

Zoie, you're AWAKE! Gotta go get some cuddles. 

Your mama loves you girls.

Double Pigtails

I am officially unemployed. My leave of absence for maternity ended yesterday, and as of today I will be leaving my position as assistant director. We just cannot find child care that we can afford, so won't be able to merit going back to work.  I would actually have to pay BH about $50 a month in child care in order to return to my old job. Anybody who PAYS an employer to allow them to come to work every day and be a stellar employee is insane.  There is a small chance that I may be able to return to BH, and that is if the director interview pans out and I'll be given a chance to interview in the 2nd round in front of the panel of teachers & parents. Having worked there for 9 years, I certainly have established quality relationships with almost all of the families, and all of the faculty members.  A panel interview would be highly in my advantage, if they will just give me that opportunity. I'm sure they will, I just have to be patient. 

As for now though, it feels really depressing to have to announce that I won't be returning to my coveted position after all this time.  I can tell you that I feel sad and even a bit lonely, because my job, for the entirety of my life in Seattle, has been my lifeblood.  I saw those co-workers everyday for more hours than I saw Dave. Spent more time training, laughing, and teaching with those people, than I spent with my own college roommates. In fact, I have known those co-workers much longer than I ever lived with any roommates besides Dave. It's strange to feel like they won't be a part of my daily "family life" anymore.  A big part of me is relieved that I won't have to deal with the drama that comes with working with 30 other women, but an even bigger part of me is just plain sad. 

I have to look at this little person sitting next to me right now, who is watching Elmo attentively (bad mommy!), and trying to climb into my lap while I'm typing and your eyes are still glued to the TV screen. My sadness about my career immediately melts away a bit as your warm polar fleece pajama feet are wiggling about next to me.  We don't have cable, and you've never actually been exposed to real TV, but we do own a few Elmo videos, which you are totally infatuated with. Harper, I think one of your first real words was actually "Elmo". Zoie is taking an early nap this morning because she got up really early (around 7:30), so I thought I would take this break sponsored by Elmo, to get a little extra blogging time in.

This weekend was the first time you tried out the double pig tails Harper. It was just too cute, your daddy and I left them in all afternoon, and snapped as many pictures as we could.  Both of us said that they actually made you look like a little girl (your hair is still so short, we've never cut it), you're nearing two, and people still think you're a little boy all the time because of your short hair. It's ridiculous! Pink sparkly shoes and purple jacket, and people still think that you're a little boy.  Those pigtails should help you out though. 

Harper, you've been so independent these last few weeks.  You say "Harpy do eet" all the time, (Harper do it), telling us that you would rather do something yourself then have us help you. Today at lunch you were so flustered because you had a string of cheese on your plate and you wanted it in the trash can, not anywhere near your plate. You yelled "Harpy do eet!" at me about ten times, while I was nursing, (I kept telling you to wait a minute until I could help you get out of the high chair), until I finally just unlatched Zoie and came to get the pesky string from you. So persistent you little Taurus! I'm glad to know that you are wanting to do things on your own though, and sadly, this is the beginning of you wanting no help from me. I'm not ready for you to grow up this fast!

Zoie, when I was giving you a bath last night you squealed over and over again when I dribbled water over your feet. Kicking and splashing, you are quite the water lover.  Harper definitely didn't like the bath as much as you do (until she got older and could play in the water more). You coo and babble to me all the time these days, but you're super vocal when you're in the bath.  I just put your little baby bathtub in the kitchen sink and bathe you there, it's so much easier to stand up rather than lean over the tub to reach your squirmy little body. I use the sprayer attachment on the nozzle to rinse you off, which you absolutely love.  It's pretty neat to watch your face light up when you hear the water turn on. I have no doubt that you won't be a little "fish" as you get older. Perhaps you'll even be a swimmer like your daddy was.  I'm sure that he's dying to get both of you in a pool to teach you how to swim.  I keep suggesting that Harper would love swimming lessons, and he always tells me that he can teach you girls how to swim this summer when we can use the pool in our complex. We'll just have to see if we stay in WA long enough to enjoy that pool in a few months.  I am ready to move home to CA, but that's a whole different blog.

Alright well, I don't think I had a full five things today - but Zoie, you are not napping very soundly today, so I need to go spend some quality time bouncing you back to sleep. It's only Monday, we have the whole week ahead of us.

Smile girls, your mama loves you.